An Interview With Raun Kaufman
By Maureen Bennie
Most
parents say they would do anything for their children. Their children’s
health and well being is the most important thing – the #1 family
concern. Some families are put to the test when it becomes evident
there is something wrong with their child. They have to struggle, make
sacrifices, and demand an inner strength from themselves that they
never thought possible. They are pushed to their limits and just when
they think they can do no more, they have to go further. It is when
parents are exhausted, sleep deprived, frustrated and disillusioned
that they are asked to continue on, to go the extra mile to make a
difference in their child’s life.
Take the
Kaufman family for instance. Barry and his wife Samahria found out
their son, Raun was autistic in the early 1970’s. Doctors said he had
an IQ below 30, he would never reach the development of a normal
person, and the best thing to do was put him in an institution. The
Kaufmans could not resign themselves to accept this prognosis. Instead
they devoted all their waking hours for three years to help Raun, to
release him from his isolated world. With no support from professionals
they developed their own treatment plan which is now called The
Son-Rise Program ®.
Samahria and
Barry worked 12 hours a day, 7 days a week with Raun trying to reach
him. Instead of correcting Raun’s behaviors, they joined him in
whatever activity he was doing. These were the first steps towards
communication. After a few months of working like this, Raun began to
communicate with his parents. Once the communication began, they were
able to teach Raun what they wanted to teach him, using an array of
educational strategies.
Three and a
half years later, Raun emerged from his autism. He attended public
school. He graduated from high school and then Brown University with a
degree in biomedical ethics. He remembers very little of his days when
he was autistic. His parents’ tenacity gave him a new life, the best
one they could give him. Their Son-Rise Program ® is now giving parents
all over the world the same hope. Raun is an international lecturer,
teacher, and the Director of Global Outreach for the Autism Treatment
Center of America.
When Raun
meets parents all over the world, they say to him, “You must be so
grateful for what your parents did for you.” Raun replies, “I am
grateful.” From his parents’ perspective, they don’t view what they did
as a sacrifice for Raun. Every morning, Samahria said to herself, “Do I
want to work with Raun today?” The answer was always yes but she
allowed herself the chance to say no. “Parents can’t stay motivated on
the premise of what they do for their children is a sacrifice. That
will only sustain them for awhile. Parents must do it for themselves to
have a relationship with their child. My parents didn’t judge me. They
had a sense of boundless optimism. They knew I would make the final
choice about my life, “states Raun.
The
Kaufmans’ priority was to build a relationship with Raun. They had
resistance from the professionals. “Get rid of the inappropriate
behaviors. You don’t know what you’re doing,” were statements said to
Raun’s parents. The professionals painted a gloomy picture of what lay
ahead. Nothing could help Raun. “I used to spin plates and was immersed
in my own world. When my mother picked me up, my arms hung limp at my
sides.” Samahria’s first breakthrough with Raun happened when she
joined him in spinning plates. “I looked at my mother for the first
time. When she joined me in a behavior I was exhibiting, I decreased
that behavior.” Because his home environment over-stimulated Raun,
Samahria worked with Raun in the bathroom where there would be fewer
distractions. Once they were connecting, Samahria would stretch Raun
more. She worked with his strengths.
“It is
important to see the child as a whole person,” says Raun. “Focus on
what they like instead of trying to stop what they enjoy doing.” In
other words, follow the child’s lead. “I remember a woman who was at
the Options Institute ® who had a son that loved stairs. She was trying
to toilet train him. She used his interest in stairs to get the task
accomplished by allowing her son to climb on a 3-step footstool. She
then pushed it against the toilet. Her son started climbing the
footstool to get to the toilet. He was toilet trained within a week.”
The attitude
of parents is the primary focus at the Options Institute ®. “Parents
are trying to address the practical side of life such as how do I get
my child to stop engaging in certain behaviors. We address the
emotional side, to help the parents reach a place of peace and
acceptance with their child. Autism isn’t tragic. In our parenting
course for typical children, we tell our parents you don’t owe your
children anything other than their basic needs. Anything else you do is
a gift. This perspective creates a different attitude with kids, one
where the child is appreciative for what their parents do for them.”
A
child-directed, child centered program helps create a bond of trust
between the parent and child. “Parents are working towards having a
relationship with their child.” What about the siblings of autistic
children? “How the siblings react to autism is dependent on how autism
is viewed by the parents, “says Raun. “It can break a family apart as
we’ve seen by the 80% divorce rate statistic. If parents feel
embarrassed, terrible or guilty about having an autistic child, the
other children will sense these feelings. If parents teach the sibling
that their brother or sister is special and may need more help, that
sibling is often more tolerant of others, sensitive and caring. They
feel love and pride towards their sibling. These caring siblings have
been taught what they’re doing is wonderful and special.”
Raun’s
global view of parenting is an uplifting one. “Parenting is about
letting go, releasing the need to control. Children aren’t a reflection
of us as parents. Ultimately, children will make their own choices.
Parents get scared about what those choices will be, but they have no
control over that.”
Raun finds
it fulfilling helping parents who are walking the same path as his
parents did. Raun sees his role in autism as one of teaching parents
and sending the message that there is hope; the children are not
tragedies. Raun raises money for parental choice – parents should
choose how they want to help their child and not have to follow what
the state recommends. He doesn’t want them to make decisions for their
child based on a financial situation.
Raun Kaufman
is a living example of what gifts parents can give to their children
when they go beyond meeting their basic needs. What a parent does for
any child, albeit special needs or typical, must come from the heart.
The parenting challenges presented to us should be tackled in a
positive way. The glass can be half empty or half full – it is all in
how you look at it. Do not think of parenting challenges in terms of
sacrifice, but rather in terms of building loving, lasting, connected
relationships.
Information
Son-Rise Program®
www.son-rise.org
The Option Institute
www.option.org
The Autism Treatment Center of America ™
A Division of the Option Institute
2080 S. Undermountain Road
Sheffield, MA 01257 USA
(413)229-2100 or (800) 714-2779
Reprinted from the Western Parent
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